Well, shoot. It’s been so long that I feel pretty sheepish writing something new at this point. Not only am I rusty when it comes to writing, I don’t even know where to begin..
It’s been quite a few months. I’m now a stay-at-home mom. I quit my managerial position at my place of work in order to be able to spend more time with my sweet kiddo. I’m even able to volunteer half the week at his school, which both of us have grown to love. At work I had gotten to the point where, not only was I missing out on so much of his life, but I had honestly begun to lose myself a bit. My chaotic life had caused me to feel so much unlike the person I used to be. Now that my days have taken on a much slower pace, I’ve begun to recognize myself again. I feel more than I used to. I care about people deeply again. I’m softer, in a sense.
I’ve also experienced deep loss. My sweet cousin lost her battle to cancer a few months back. That one hit me hard.
She was an incredible, hilarious person and I miss her dearly.
Also, I became pregnant in August.
Unfortunately, I was never able to fully celebrate this because the pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I ended up needing emergency surgery to remove the baby, as well as my right Fallopian tube. Although I’m still mourning this loss, I’m thankful to be alive as ectopics can easily become life-threatening. Following the surgery, I experienced so many emotions. Mainly, I just felt incredibly angry that we never got to meet yet another child. I feel nothing can compare to our first “miscarriage” when we lost Eli, but this time around still hit hard. I love being a mother more than anything in the entire world. It makes up the very core of my being. I just want another little nugget to love and nurture. I’m so insanely thankful for my little boy, and I know we can make motherhood happen again in one way or another. Hope is something I’ll never let go of.
So…if you’re wondering where I’ve been. I’ve just been losing my mind a bit.
I’ve missed you all.
Stay weird!
-Rachel
The Awkward Addict 