Depression. Such an ugly word for an ugly state of being. I’ve come to know it well during the last few decades of my life. I know what you’re thinking: She’s about to get weird and emotional, and you’re right! I debated on writing this because, well, sometimes being vulnerable is scary. Actually, it’s downright terrifying #scarierthanthefirsttimeisawthering. But I figured- if nobody talks about it, then how is anyone supposed to understand it? I realize this topic is completely unrelated to my normal posts, but I think the stray is necessary. I’ve been a bit M.I.A. lately, and this is why.
Let me start by opening up a bit. Depression and I are twenty-year wrestling partners. Sometimes I come out on top, and sometimes he does. When I’m im the lead, I feel…normal. That’s the level I strive for. People who suffer from depression aren’t reaching for spectacular, they just want to feel like they belong with the rest of the human race. When I’m “winning,” I cope well with change. I feel confident in myself, my achievements, and my decisions. I feel the full range of emotions without going to any extremes. I’m also logical and rational (well…as much so as the next person). Overall, I’m content.
When depression takes the reigns, I shift. I lose interest in the hobbies that once brought me joy. I become irrational and overly emotional. I get overwhelmed far too easily. I pull away from my friends and family. I go into what I refer to as “hermit mode,” which basically means that I become a social shut-in and spend most of my free time in bed with Netflix and my cats. It’s not pretty.
Many things can trigger depression, and those triggers can vary from person to person. For example, it can be caused by a difficult life event or loss. In my case, it’s hereditary. I come from a long line of hermits. No matter how much I will the happy chemicals in my brain to “buck up,” they just refuse. Little a-holes. A few years ago, I had to resort to prescription anti-depressants to bring about my normalcy. While they did bring up my mood, they also numbed my emotions slightly which caused me to kind of forget how feelings worked. I had to wean myself off my prescription during the last few months due to personal reasons (hey, I can’t be a complete open book), and let me tell you….
Life’s been…interesting..
Sad things are suuuuper sad.
Angry things are so FREAKING infuriating.
Happy things are only *slightly* happy.
You get the gist. It takes strength and a whole lot of focus to get through my days.
Let me bring you back around here. I’m not writing this to make you feel any sort of pity-like emotions for me. Trust me, that’s the last thing I want. Even on my toughest days, I work hard at coping and being as strong as possible. I don’t currently have medication to rely on, so I have to work extra hard at focusing on the positives in my life right now. Luckily, there are many. Other things that seem to help are exercising (so I’ve heard), eating better, reaching out to friends I trust, eliminating stressors, and pushing myself towards activities that bring me joy.
Quick side note: If you are close with someone who is depressed, don’t give up on them. Keep reaching out even if it feels like they just continue to pull away. Depending on their level of depression, it may take them longer to come out of it. Some simply can’t do it on their own. And sadly, some will never come out of it. They will, however, appreciate your loyalty and persistence (probably). Honestly, I completely *get* that depressed people aren’t the most fun to be around, but you may be the only bit of light they see during their darkest times.
So now you know why I’ve been posting slightly less as of late. I actually didn’t realize I was in this big of a slump until I was about waist deep. The good thing is, once I realize it, I immediately start my hard fight out of the depths. Hang with me, friends, I’m trying harder than you realize. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I can only hope this helps others who struggle with this very real condition to know that they are definitely not alone. And if you choose to hang in there with me, I can promise to try and make you laugh through the hard times. Laughter really is the best medicine!
All my love (and crazy feelings). Stay weird!
-Rachel
P.S.-I once read a fellow blogger’s take on her own depression, and it’s worth a gander if you want to feel some humor and empathy. Click here to read.
The Awkward Addict 